Unfair. Unfair. Unfair!!
I felt bad at school today.Again.
The problem is nbody's ever gonna search for me in the hallway. NOBODY COMES AND TALK TO ME AT MY LOCKER; nOBODY REALY WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT ME THAN wHERE i COME FROM; i feel so lonely. Everyday I go to my classrooms and just sits there and wait I don't even want to make any eforts for my classes anymore. I just wan this year to be done. over.
I am a hundred per cent sure that ryan is nerver gonna talk to me in french cass. I RMEMBER THE FIRST NIGHT i WAS HERE? WE WERE IN THE CAR AND HE SAID TO ME/ WE SHOULD HAVE A COMMON CLAS; If it would have been last semester, maybe he would have talked to me at home.
I think I am gonna drop enviromental sciences. jus because I don't feel good in this class. At the same time I rememeber how bad I felt the first day of last semester. It's exactly the asme. I am probably gonna endby liing it. or not.
I am realy not gonna make it through this year. I don't wanna ty anymore. I have been thinking since september that everything was going to become great and that I should stay. I ade half my stay here. Nothing has really changed. I am tired of this.
But my parents want o come and nowthey have plane tickets and I can't go back.
Why!!! why didn't i SAY YES WHEN THEY FINALLY ACCEPTED TO LET ME COME HOME,§§ Am I stupid or what?! There is nothing I can expect more from this year. I did what I could. I am tired of trying and failing!! jULIE TOLD ME TO STAY§ sHE IS HAVING A SO GREAT TIME IN GREECE; THAT IS SO NFAIR§ unfair that she gets to do what she wanted. Unfair that she finds frineds. unfair that she is enjoying herself and I am crying here.
I started to wish I'd be home every morning before I open my eyes. I started to feel very sick When someonetalk to me about school. I started to count the days dow to when I com home.I stared to be a monster with my family agn.
I miss my "friends". But I know now they are not all true friends. I miss lucille and manon.
I think I am really depressex.
I don't know what I am gonna do next year. We will be in february in one week. Registration is gonna start. I am just gonna register in languages because that's the only thng i know.
all of this makesme crazy!!!!!!
I know that when steve is gonna go home from work he is going to talk to me. because katie can't deal with me. I s every american family so hypocrite tha the hanrahans and the voss? That's crazy!
I want to be home! I want to go and run n the sea walk. And see the tree from my bed. And smell veggie cooked. And stroke my cat. I wanna be home so fucking bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate this place. i DON4T HATE WISCONSIN i THINK THAT4S A GRZAT PLACE TO BE BUT i CAN4T STAND SUSSEX; I just hate it. Hate it. Hate it.
I would need to sleep like a whole year. I don't know what to do about my classes; THING IS/ THEY ARE NOT TAKING ME ANYWHERE;
iF i FAIL IN ONE OF MY CLASSES? nACEL WILL SEND ME BACK HOME;
i Wanna do that. I don't care. I don't care aout the money my parents invested and how horrible I am and egoist I just want to fell happy because here I am not. I 6 months being unhappy nsmiy is just not like me.
So let'sd make the pojnt: the thing I wanted the hardest in the world is getting me down. I feel like I was in première whn I was really bad a cutting myself. I decided to get over it. But Ihad my family and frnds. Here I have nobody. I don't like this family and they don't really like me back. I have no real friends at schoool ( hamilton) whith who could speak about that. Or just spend good time with.
I miss so much my last semester. i WAS FEELING BETTER JUST BECAUSE i WAS INTEGRATED; iS IT GOING T TAKE hat time again?
Five month is a so long time. 145 days is about the rest of time I have here. gee's.
I f I WAS AT HOME? i WOULD GO AND walk ot he city. or on the sea side. There is no city here, absolutley nothing to do, and no sea. or I would text a friend. I have no phone and no friend. I miss alyssa. I miss my spanish class. And my art survy class. even if that was hard to be with devn because He just igored me. And now there's ryan and that's worse.
I ca't believe that he wanted me in his house and just didn't talked to me. I am sure that's because of that time xhen I told him I was disappointed about what he said about vilner and me. iT WAS EAAly stupid. bUT THAT WAS TO EARLY? IKE i DIDn't even kew that was a common joke here. And that was bad timing with jordan. but anyway.
I am gonna get killed if I say to dad that I want to come home. They were not on skype today.
Am I going to go to school tomorrow? I think yes, I don't have the choice. My god how I hate this school! Everyday I think it when I am in the halway. Nobody ever wave at me in the hallways, even people I had in my classes last semester.
last year when I went to school Everybody said hello to me. I don't know everyody at hamilton but the people I know just don't care. I feel I could faint in the hallway and people would just be passing. I am transaprent.
I am not a show off girl but I am not invisible either, am I ?
Maybe I could go to school naked tomorrow and see if people look at me ahah.
seriously I have never felt so bad about school to the point of really not wanting to go. even when I lied, even when adrin dumped me. even even veven.
I miss everybody from saint louis.
I remember when we were studying the fifth child in "ap english" last year and mme husson said that being ignored was even worse than being bullied. I thought like " she doesn't know what she is taling about" but she was so right!
That's weird because I want to be with people at school but as nobody is with me, I want to be aone t home. I just... c'est un cercle vicieux.
I rememeber when senora feudner talked to me the fosrt week at school orthe second one and he said I wiil feel good at school at he end of the semester. yes but now it's another semester and everything is starting again. I don't want to go through tht agaon!!! I want to be home.
